28th of Elul, 5770 - Tuesday, September 07, 2010

The Burial

Pallbearers
Selected by the mourners, four to six pallbearers are given the honor of moving the casket. As a sign of respect, the casket precedes the mourners. This custom dates back to biblical times when Jacob’s children carried him to his grave. Some rabbis have the pallbearers stop seven times while reciting the 91st Psalm. The stops represent the seven stages of life. Honorary pallbearers may also be designated. Traditionally, mourners do not act as pallbearers. If no pallbearers are available, staff from the funeral home can place the casket.

Cemetery Service
After the rabbi has finished with prayers, the casket is lowered into the ground. Family and friends may choose to fulfill the greatest mitzvah (good deed) of Chesed Shel Emet (a true act of loving kindness). This ultimate act of love and kindness is expressed to the deceased when mourner’s and friends participate in the actual burial. This can be achieved by placing a handful of earth on the casket or by using a shovel. Often, the first shovel of earth is done using the back part of the shovel. This is done to show that we are reluctant to say goodbye to our loved one. It also makes it more difficult to fill in the grave. This symbolizes that this particular act of using a shovel is different from any other occasion when it would be used, and that burying a loved one should be with reluctance and not be rushed.

The Chesed Shel Emet חֶפֶד שֶׁל אֶמֶת is the ultimate act of love and kindness, because the deceased can not ask the mourners to do it for them, nor are they able to repay the act or say thank you. Participating in this mitzvah (good deed), has been shown to have great psychological benefits for mourners, since it truly serves as an action of closure and finality, rather than leaving the casket above ground, with the mourners walking away. This helps minimize any illusion that the death might not have been real. Some people do not always feel comfortable witnesses this tradition. In this case, they may return to their cars as the casket is lowered. At an orthodox funeral, the Mourners Kaddish is not said until the grave is filled to the top and a mound is formed.

Graveside Service
A funeral held exclusively at the cemetery includes the same elements as those at the funeral home or temple. A graveside service is shorter in length, because certain elements are repeated when the service is held in two locations. The same selections of Psalms and prayers are said, including the hesped (Eulogy). The El Moley Rachamim, which expresses our faith in the immortality of the soul, is recited, along with recitation of the Kaddish. At the conclusion of the burial service, those attending are asked to form two parallel lines to allow the mourners to pass through as they return to their cars.

Brighton Memorial Chapel and local law enforcement agencies would like to point out that criminals have been known to prey on grieving families while they are not home during a funeral service. We suggest that a friend be asked to watch the home while families are away.

Kaddish – קדיש
The traditional prayer in praise of God, said during every traditional prayer service. There are five variations of the Kaddish, with the best known being the Mourner’s Kaddish. This prayer never mentions death or dying, but instead proclaims the greatness of God. By saying the Kaddish, mourners are showing that even though their faith is being tested by their loss, they are still affirming’s God’s greatness. Some people believe the Kaddish is also said for the benefit of the soul of the deceased to help facilitate its journey. Traditionally, Kaddish is only said for immediate family, but you may say Kaddish for whomever you wish. Some people undertake the mitzvah (good deed) of saying Kaddish for a person who left no family. The Kaddish is recited after burial, during the first year, at all three daily services and at the Yahrzeit. This prayer should be said by the mourners either in the home or at the synagogue, in the presence of a minyan (quorum of 10 Jews). This is done so that the mourners remain a part of the community, even if the natural instinct would be to withdraw. Synagogues can help arrange for a minyan if the family wishes to hold services at their home. Brighton Memorial Chapel can provide prayer books to be used as a courtesy. Children mourning a parent say Kaddish for 11 months. Traditionally, Kaddish is said for 30 days for a child, spouse, or sibling. Today, many people choose to say Kaddish for 11 months for any family member. Kaddish is also recited each year on the anniversary of the death (Yahrzeit) and at Yizkor. It is believed that the Kaddish is one of the most important and meaningful acts that the family can do to insure that the departed soul is at peace. Click here for the Kaddish.

Form Two Parallel Lines
At the conclusion of the burial service, mourners leave the cemetery walking between a Shura. A Shura is two parallel lines formed by family and friends in attendance that create a pathway. This is done as a show of support, and signifies that the shift from honoring the dead to consoling the bereaved. This is the first chance for people to express their condolences to the family, as now they are officially mourning. The standard words of comfort that are said as the mourners walk through the lines,

םילשוריו ןויצ ילבא ראש ךותב םכתא םחני םוקמה

“Ha-makom yinakhem et-khem betokh she-ar aveilei tziyon veyerushalayim,
May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

Any kind words of sympathy may be expressed to the mourners from this point on. There is an expression in Hebrew that translates to “Words from the heart go directly to the heart” and any kind expression that is honest and meaningful is appropriate at this time.